How Dare a Baby Suck Their Thumb!

One Step Ahead, distributor of goods for paranoid parents, does not want babies to suck their thumbs, come into contact with deadly germs on the grocery cart or dare catch a ray of natural sunlight.

Exhibit A: Thumb and finger suckers beware. One Step Ahead is out to cure you in three weeks by shaming you out of your sickening habit by having to wear this to play dates, Bar Mitzvahs, and even Homecoming in the case of the larger 15 year-olds to which this product is geared.

Exhibit B: These covers are quite the rage in some elite circles, but I just envision this breeding a child that later on in life freaks out getting in an uncovered roller coaster seat or church pew…or perhaps a youth hostel bed. You just can’t cover all the germs in life dear parents.


And finally, on to swim wear for the kids:

Exhibit C: Where are the protective sun gloves? Her mom doesn’t even want her to feel the sensation of sand running between her toddler toes. While yes, this super suit does offer SPF protection, it only leads to one dangerous place:
Exhibit D: Modest Swimwear Solutions. Toddlers swathed in excessive swim wear fabric becomes young ladies accustomed to swimming in tunics and leggings. The seemingly helpful and safe things you do to protect your baby can damage your child more terribly than words can say.